"Good news for Michael Jackson, not guilty on ten counts! The bad news -- he's going to Disneyland!" --Jay Leno
"Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn’t play the race card. Well, duh. They didn’t know which race to play." --Jay Leno
"It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything." --Jimmy Kimmel, on the Michael Jackson verdict
"It's kind of ironic when you think about it. The only Jackson you can accuse of committing a lewd act is Janet at the Super Bowl. The one we wanted to see." --Jay Leno
"The next big question is, Will Michael Jackson be Robert Blake's new golf partner or Scott Peterson's new girlfriend? --Jay Leno
"Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral -- both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, 'How do you get stains off a glove?'" --Bill Maher
"Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court twice this week…have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly…I think he's going through menopause." --Jay Leno
"Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boy's pants disappear." --Jay Leno
"According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money." --Jay Leno
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?" --Jay Leno
"A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation." --Jay Leno
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had." --Jay Leno
"The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"According to a Gallup poll, 17% of those asked still have a favorable opinion of Michael Jackson. That may not sound like much, but it's still more than any of the Democratic candidates running for president." —Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that’s how he met most of 'em." —Jay Leno
"After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?" —Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can’t go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids locked in the crawlspace." —Jay Leno
"Now he is out on bail — again he still doesn't get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, 'I'm going to Disneyland.'" —Jay Leno
"Early today Michael met with his priest — not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date." —Jay Leno
"Legal experts say the key was that the defense really didn’t play the race card. Well, duh. They didn’t know which race to play." --Jay Leno
"It's like they always say, if you're rich and white, you can get away with anything." --Jimmy Kimmel, on the Michael Jackson verdict
"It's kind of ironic when you think about it. The only Jackson you can accuse of committing a lewd act is Janet at the Super Bowl. The one we wanted to see." --Jay Leno
"The next big question is, Will Michael Jackson be Robert Blake's new golf partner or Scott Peterson's new girlfriend? --Jay Leno
"Johnny Cochran died and had a funeral. You know who was at the funeral -- both O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson. In fact, Michael cornered O.J. and said, 'How do you get stains off a glove?'" --Bill Maher
"Michael Jackson was caught on tape saying he was a virgin until he was the age of 32. I mean, is that really shocking? I mean, he was a black man guy 'til he was 35." --Jay Leno
"As you know, Michael Jackson late again to court twice this week…have you seen him? Two people helping him walk into the building; he's constantly late; he's crying a lot; he's walking stiffly…I think he's going through menopause." --Jay Leno
"Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boy's pants disappear." --Jay Leno
"According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money." --Jay Leno
Michael Jackson, late for court again today, you know, because of his bad back. Well, you'd have a bad back too if every conversation you had in your life involved having to bend over and ask, "What's your name?" --Jay Leno
"A lot of people think Michael may be suicidal. That's the latest theory. Just last night he swallowed an entire bottle of Flintstone Chewables." --Jay Leno
"A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation." --Jay Leno
"What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson." --Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had." --Jay Leno
"The judge in the Michael Jackson child molestation trial selected 250 candidates for the jury pool, while Jackson himself has selected 20 for the kiddie pool." --Amy Poehler, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"According to a Gallup poll, 17% of those asked still have a favorable opinion of Michael Jackson. That may not sound like much, but it's still more than any of the Democratic candidates running for president." —Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that’s how he met most of 'em." —Jay Leno
"After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?" —Jay Leno
"Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can’t go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids locked in the crawlspace." —Jay Leno
"Now he is out on bail — again he still doesn't get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, 'I'm going to Disneyland.'" —Jay Leno
"Early today Michael met with his priest — not for spiritual advice, they went on a double date." —Jay Leno
